Comparison is the thief of joy. I feel pressed to write about this issue as it has weighed heavily upon my heart for my entire life. Comparison has always been my thief, a thief that I have allowed to steal from me again and again and again. I was too busy focusing on self to realize that comparison steals. It breaks hearts, ruins friendships, provokes adultery, and causing eating disorders and low self esteem.
How often, even and especially in the church, have we compared ourselves to someone else? Especially as women! We compare our intellect, appearance, academics, profession, husband/boyfriend, home, car, and everything. Our vanity compels us to remove our focus from God and surpass others, feeding our own ego.
Her husband makes her pancakes on saturday morning. Mine just sits in bed waiting to be served. What a loser!
She has the perfect body. Exactly the type of body my boyfriend would want. Why can't I be like that?
She works in the high-end office at the end of Main Street. Her position easily makes 70k a year, and here I am, a frumpy housewife. Why did I not finish school!
We all do it. It is with great sorrow that I admit how much comparing myself to others has hurt me. In fact, comparison has caused me to have two eating disorders, Anorexia and Binge Eating Disorder (BED). My self esteem grew increasingly low as my weight plummeted sky-high n 2011. I couldn't bear to look at myself, and when my "lover" always compared my body to my friends' bodies, it killed me. He would say, "Your face is 10/10, and you're beautiful....but your face is the most beautiful part of you." I wasn't good enough or hot enough to please this man. Little did he know my insecurities, that each comment crushed my self-esteem. Was it his intention? I'll never know. But I compared myself to all other women, rotting in my desire to be someone else, anyone else. I measured myself on a scale that I could never live up to.
Comparison broke my spirit and sent me into sin and addictions. I am tearful as I write this, realizing the gigantic part that it has played in my life, a part which has haunted me ever since it began. Today, in communion, I prayed to God in our quiet time. I will share the most intimate prayer that I have prayed in the entire month:
Lord, forgive me for loving anything more than I have loved You. Forgive me for putting my own selfish desires above Your will.
My sin has forced me to face daily consequences. Every day is a battle, crucified flesh against risen saint. Every day I am forced to fight the inferiorities that have haunted me for all my life and especially the last three years, which have been the most pivotal years of my existence. Fighting comparison is a never ending battle.
A truth that we must remember is this:
You are YOU. You are no one else. You are God's, and He created you for a specific purpose. There's a reason you are not her, there's a reason you don't have the very thing that you want. God is growing you, making beauty from your ashes. He will use this sin of yours to refine you into Christlikeness. You are His beautiful daughter, and your battle has already been fought and won. You must live for His glory, never taking your eyes off of His beautiful person. He died for you! When can He have you, ALL of you?
Choose Him, for He has long chosen you.
